You’ve been told maybe a thousand times, or more, that you cannot do something.
and you’ve done believe it.
You’ve been told that you are not pretty like the others, and you’ve done believe it.
You’ve been told that you’re not deserve to live, and you’ve done believe it in the past.
it is bad. But God has lead you to not live in it.
it’s time now to let it go, and forgive the person, and yourself, for letting you believe that.
in fact, they are all cannot define you by what they have said.
and forgive yourself now, for letting you making some mistake, by passing some of the anger and doubt to your daughter. You doesn’t mean it, it’s just rely on your self-unconscious state of mind, and now you learn to change it.
In this section of my life, i am learning to change the way i talk about something, about my life, and how my words run for my daughter. Some of the self-doubt, disappointment, and anger that I’ve been pushed way deeper recent years– need to be recognized, even i passed it to my daughter. But i know I CAN CHANGE IT.
So recently, i have read a great book about how Danish folks raising their children called “THE DANISH WAY OF PARENTING”. i tried some of their great tips, and you can learn it too. they have a great website too so we can learn more even though you doesn’t buy the book yet. But trust me, they have a great book to read! that’s one of the great 101 Parenting book nowadays. But this time, i want to share one of their great article that inspired me to start writing this.
Throughout our childhood we learn to use words and sentences to describe our outer and inner reality. The language we use allows us to form mental images and tales about our past, present, hopes and dreams of the future, and to tell others about our lives. We take in a limited number of facts, assumptions, events, moods and currents to us, as long as they make sense to us.
All of these stories and information will be an important part of our sense of identity. If we are exposed to many negatively charged impulses throughout our childhood, our self-image will often bear the mark of this.
Often we develop a “cannot-mentality” if that’s what we have been told throughout our childhood. While if the opposite is a reality, supportive and affirmative impulses give a stronger and less judgmental self-image, where an “I-can-do-it mentality” dominates. We just do not think about it.
As children, we rely on caring and loving adults around us. They help us to regulate and understand our feelings. The way we are spoken to is thus crucial for what self-image we develop.
Sentences like: “She is simply so stubborn and unruly” said to a 3-year-old with a negative and judgmental undertone, the child collects it and connects it to other times, she has received something similar in the same tone. These negative and defined identity stories about “being stubborn and unruly”, she takes into adulthood as a definition of her identity.
Our reality and understanding are created with the language we use. Therefore, all changes will require a change in the language.
Think about whether you speak to yourself or your children in a supportive or inhibitory way. Words like “he is so…” or “I am too…” Are generally negatively defining and stigmatizing phrases that only intend to suppress a positive and supportive self-image.
Reform, redefine or reframe. It’s about shifting the focus from what we think we cannot create an opening for possible change.
How reframing works
Research shows that the ability to reformulate a stressed situation, a family conflict, a negative employee situation or an unhappy hysterical child can change our overall satisfaction and self-image.
Instead of saying: “she can’t”, the same sentence may sound: “she is not there yet.” Or a sentence like: “She is so touchy” can be redefined to: “Be glad, she is so good at tuning in on her own and others’ feelings.”
It opens up for the feeling of being in motion and moving. Your mindset changes the focus from a belief from: “It is just the way it is-status quo feeling” to an: “It’s possible” or “I am sure it will be absolutely fine feeling”. Your state of mind changes with your words. It also goes for our children.
We develop when we believe that our hope and dreams can succeed. We also grow when others believe in us and give us confidence.
Once we master the ability to reformulate or redefine our inhibitory/definitive language usage, we must gather the positive stories in which we succeed. It’s not about eliminating negative events (that’s often misunderstood) – they all come true – it’s just about seeing the same subject in more shades than in just one color.
Iben Sandahl, Jessica Alexander. HOW YOU THINK AND WHAT YOU SAY IS CRUCIAL TO HOW YOU MANAGE LIFE. June 29,2018.
Banyak yang mengatakan, bahkan mungkin seribu kali , bahwa dirimu tak dapat melakukan sesuatu, hingga kau telah mempercayainya di masa lalu.
Dikatakan bahwa kamu tidak cantik, rambutmu sulit diatur, kamu mempercayainya, badanmu tinggi dan besar, dan kamu tumbuh dengan kikuk, dan kamu telah menjalaninya di masa lalu.
Dikatakan bahwa kamu tidak pantas untuk hidup, dan kata-kata yang tidak pantas diucapkan kepadamu, dan kamu sempat terganggu dengan kata-kata itu di masa lalu– semuanya buruk– namun Tuhan telah memandumu untuk keluar dan hidup tidak lagi di dalamnya.
Diriku yang terkasih,
Saatnya untuk melepaskan semuanya, memaafkan semuanya, dan memaafkan dirimu yang telah membuat dirimu sendiri sempat percaya semua hal yang buruk.
Sesungguhnya, semua itu tidak dapat mendefinisikan dirimu yang sebenarnya.
Saatnya untuk memaafkan dirimu sendiri sekarang yang telah menurunkan beberapa rasa ragu, amarah dan kecewa pada diri putrimu. sesungguhnya itu ada dalam alam bawah sadarmu, dan kamu BISA MENGUBAHNYA.
Di titik ini saya mencoba belajar untuk mengubah bagaimana cara saya untuk mengatakan sesuatu, terutama dalam hal ini, bagaimana saya menghadapi hidup, mengatakan sesuatu pada diri saya sendiri, dan bagaimana saya berkata-kata pada anak perempuan saya. Banyak keraguan, kekecewaan, amarah, yang ada pada diri sendiri, ditekan dalam dan rindu untuk dikenal dan akhirnya meledak, bahkan malah saya tularkan pada anak saya. dan saya tahu saya MAMPU MENGUBAHNYA JADI LEBIH BAIK.
Sudah lama rasanya tidak menulis dan berkata-kata pada diri sendiri. And I cannot wait to write more about my progress here.